Rotations, therapy, new loneliness

I'm sitting in my new living room at the moment. I have been living in this apartment for three weeks, and I haven't felt this lonelness in a very long time. For this whole past year, the only thing I did was study for Step 1, my first of many important exams in med school. Almost a whole year I spent alone, sitting, reviewing, constantly busy, now that I have time off for me, I can't help but feel alone, worthless,and unmotivated. I don't know what to do to move past this hole I'm stuck in. I go to the gym, work out to feel better, but when I am back at my apartment all I feel is isolated. I don't think I know how to meet people, except for when I am in school. I refuse to talk to my friends and family about this, I don't want them knowing how bad my mental health really is. The idea that I am doing perfectly well, I must pretend for the sake of seeming strong and confident.

Soon I'll be startng my first rotation in MD; I am both excited and nervous. Doctors who teach can many times be mean, rude even to us students who are still learning and have ways to go before graduating and being a real doctor. It's unfortunate to think the way I do, but I am scared to be asked a question on something I should/do know and blanking. My worst fear is failing, it's looking stupid in front of others. I am so used to preparing in advance to prevent myself from being embarassed, to stop the shame that comes from not knowing a fact. However, this is a part of being in medical school; constantly doubting yourself, wondering if you're good enough to continue moving forward. Half the time I feel inadequate, like everything I have studied is just non-existent and that I have gotten as far as I have by pure luck. Yes, I have studied very hard, I've pushed myself in ways I never knew I could, but I still cannot fathom how I am where I am a this very moment. For me, the hardest part of being in med school is the crippling anxiety that accompanies being a student. There is always that feeling of "I am going to fail." It's been so hard on me that I had to start therapy, which unfortunately came to an end due to me moving states. Therapy helped in a way, I was able to take Step and pass, but at what cost? I can only be semi-proud at the fact that I didn't fail.

I hope only that I can get through the last two months of 2021 unscathed. Here is to me starting rotations. I can get better, I will get better, I will graduate no matter what it takes. Thank you to anyone who reads this, and takes their time to listen to my negative thoughts.

Exams, labs, Fatigue. and MORE SNOW!

I am currently sitting in the IC ( study area at Loyola), trying not to fall over in my comfy chair and just sleep. Because of course, when there is an exam there is always one thing I do not get enough of, and that is sleep.  Considering the fact that I have two, well it only makes it a bit worse than usual. Not to mention the fact that I have lab from 2:30-5, which honestly goes way overboard because all of the activities are easy enough.  However, my professor enjoys taking up our time and talking about his own experience when he was a practitioner; which, while I think is interesting, it also prevents me from going home and just crashing on me bed.  I am honestly dying right now, and afraid of whether or not my body will be able to rest once I hit my bed.  It's one of those times when you are so tired ,that once you actually are able to withdraw from the world and enter a different dimension, your body does not remember how to.   Not quite sure why the body decides to do this to me, or why exactly it refused to fall asleep last night only to think about the upcoming hours in my day.  All I wanted was some shut-eye, a bit of rest before the unavoidable doom that would result from waking up early and taking an exam. Alas, the body does what it wants.  So, now I am here sitting and staring out the large open windows, the ones that let so much light in that it is impossible to close your eyes and ignore.  What does the outside look like?  Gloomy.  Just about 5 minutes ago it was an overall nice day (not too sunny, but not too cold), now it's just a drizzle coming down from above.  Oddly enough it also began to snow for like 10 seconds: it's over now.  Well, that is Chicago weather for those who don't know.  Welcome to the windy city!!! Where supposedly it is spring, but it is actually still snowing one second, sunny the next, and raining right after (with maybe a bit of hail). Enjoy!

I am back

Okay, so I have not kept up my blog, though I had told myself I would.  Honestly I had forgotten about this thing.  Only until about 2 days ago did I remember about my blog, and that is because one of my friends was writing in hers.  It's funny though because I look back to all the posts I had made and they are quite childish.  I mean, here I am four years later, now 21 years old, and trying to figure out what to do next with my life.  This is supposed to be the time where I know what to do with my life, at least according to everyone else.  However, I feel far from being this old.  I still have this emotion within me that brings me back to that first freshman day where I had no clue what came next. You know the feeling where something is new, and there are so many possibilities?  Yeah that is the one I am speaking of.  Except my life has gone up and down, and its a ride alright: a crazy, tumultuous, ring around the rosy.  I cannot quite shake the feeling that I am lost and have no one to guide me.  Looking around me, to everyone that is also on their way to graduate, they all seem like they have a hand on this so called Life.  Then, there is me.  I have a half, loosely made plan, the details are still quite not there, and the writing is a bit messy.  I don't even know how to make this plan happen, or even if I can.  I guess it is best to figure it out along the way, go with the flow, enjoy the ride, and calm down.  Everyone is trying to get to a destination, they have a goal set up that they want to reach, but that is not how life is set up.  Life is a continuous wave in motion, it does not stop once you reach that goal, it keeps going, on to bigger and better things.  You cannot keep thinking about where you will end up ,because (like that freshman feeling) there are so many endings to this story.  And the ending does not just stop it all, instead it opens the door to new beginnings, different times; it keeps you wondering.  I guess what I am trying to say is that having a plan does not matter, for life never goes the way you want; it has its own motivations, its own direction. You just play your part  in the whole act, you make the decisions but ultimately life takes you where it desires.

Pictures from pretty places

The view from the IC after it snowed.  Lake Michigan, always at its best.

Lake Michigan from the IC, beautiful and breathtaking.

My Guatemala.  One day I will return. When I do, these mountains will come alive and so will my soul.   

Things I Think 2

Sometimes I feel like I will fail badly in life...but I know in my heart otherwise

Things I Think 1....

Sometimes I wonder where my time has gone, where it all began to change, and how did I manage to get here. But even with all these thoughts, I know that there will never be an exact answer. Wherever I am headed I hope my journey there is filled with wonderful memories.

So I am restarting my blog because I hadn't written in a while and truth be told looking through my old posts I thought they were kinda silly.  It's difficult though because sometimes I can't seem to put my thoughts into words. I think about random things all the time and sometimes they make sense but at other times even I don't know what to do with all the things going on in my head.  So here I am trying to figure out something interesting to talk about but for now there is only one thing on my mind and that is packing for college.