I'm sitting in my new living room at the moment. I have been living in this apartment for three weeks, and I haven't felt this lonelness in a very long time. For this whole past year, the only thing I did was study for Step 1, my first of many important exams in med school. Almost a whole year I spent alone, sitting, reviewing, constantly busy, now that I have time off for me, I can't help but feel alone, worthless,and unmotivated. I don't know what to do to move past this hole I'm stuck in. I go to the gym, work out to feel better, but when I am back at my apartment all I feel is isolated. I don't think I know how to meet people, except for when I am in school. I refuse to talk to my friends and family about this, I don't want them knowing how bad my mental health really is. The idea that I am doing perfectly well, I must pretend for the sake of seeming strong and confident.
Soon I'll be startng my first rotation in MD; I am both excited and nervous. Doctors who teach can many times be mean, rude even to us students who are still learning and have ways to go before graduating and being a real doctor. It's unfortunate to think the way I do, but I am scared to be asked a question on something I should/do know and blanking. My worst fear is failing, it's looking stupid in front of others. I am so used to preparing in advance to prevent myself from being embarassed, to stop the shame that comes from not knowing a fact. However, this is a part of being in medical school; constantly doubting yourself, wondering if you're good enough to continue moving forward. Half the time I feel inadequate, like everything I have studied is just non-existent and that I have gotten as far as I have by pure luck. Yes, I have studied very hard, I've pushed myself in ways I never knew I could, but I still cannot fathom how I am where I am a this very moment. For me, the hardest part of being in med school is the crippling anxiety that accompanies being a student. There is always that feeling of "I am going to fail." It's been so hard on me that I had to start therapy, which unfortunately came to an end due to me moving states. Therapy helped in a way, I was able to take Step and pass, but at what cost? I can only be semi-proud at the fact that I didn't fail.
I hope only that I can get through the last two months of 2021 unscathed. Here is to me starting rotations. I can get better, I will get better, I will graduate no matter what it takes. Thank you to anyone who reads this, and takes their time to listen to my negative thoughts.
